The Bitter Gift ebook

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LIVING ANEW
Come, Holy Spirit,
Transform our tension
Into holy relaxation.
I’ve  recently  been  to  a „survival  training”.  Until
now, I wouldn’t have even crossed a fence or swung
off a  carpet hanger, I had been too afraid of falling.
What, then, pushed me towards overcoming so much
harder obstacles? I don’t know. Maybe it was the urge
to  prove  to  myself  that  I can  overcome  everything,
not only my illness, but every other obstacle life may
throw at me.
I have,  therefore,  balanced  over  terrifying  ravines.
I have  climbed  up  vertical  mountain  slopes  and  slid
down from them on ropes. It was wonderful! My sou-
venirs from this adventure are the photos which I look
at often, especially in times when I  predict approach-
ing times of doubt or weakness.
One of these photos is an illustration of everything
I would  like  to  show  you.  A friend  of  mine  took  it
while I, full of life, was crossing an enormous ravine
on a tight rope. Down below, a small church could be
seen. At that moment I had hoped that my illness can
be overcome like a gap between the mountains. And in 10
my life, this little church has started to play an increas-
ingly important role.
At  some  stage,  after I  recovered  from  the  initial
shock of understanding that I was an MS sufferer, I de-
cided to use the rest of my life to the fullest. I have been
doing just that. I live in a way that leaves me no time to
ponder over my illness. One can even say I’ve become
a workaholic,  understanding  it  as  a form  of  therapy
which yields positive results.
It is because of multiple sclerosis that I have discov-
ered the inexhaustible layers of energy I possess. The
more  I use,  the  more  God  would  provide  me  with.
When  I let  myself  stay  in  bed,  my  condition  would
worsen - I would push myself deeper into illness. In
such times I would analyse every bout of numbness,
every kind of pain, to weave dark visions which would
then, unavoidably, become true. Since I’ve changed this
attitude and started trying to live a relatively normal
life, quietly accepting steroids and other medications
as my allies, undergoing acupuncture treatments, I’ve
been returning to health at an amazing pace.
One of the symptoms of my MS is the worsening of
my eyesight; therefore, at times when I cannot see too
well and when the glasses don’t help much, I simply ask
my assistant to read for me and I dictate the text for her.
The problems connected with eyesight don’t bother me
much, as I’m aware of their temporary nature. None
of the bouts of the MS have left me with a  mark which
others would notice. I think I owe that to my Vietnam-
ese therapist, to myself and most of all - to God.
The fear of needing to withdraw from the normal
life is pushing me forward. I am more active than an
average healthy woman and I do not succumb to my illness. People who don’t know me well think of me as
the picture of health. I am sure I’ve chosen the right
way  to  overcome  the  problem  which,  after  all,  lies
within myself.